Overwhelming

Oh, dear. I feel significantly overwhelmed. Yes, thats right. I just realized the school is almost over, yet again... and a lot of things will be changing. Changes are good yes, but the changes coming soon are not the type I want to happen. I have friends graduating high school, and leaving for college, I have a friend leaving for two years, etc. It's going to be tough. I have a feeling its going to be a great summer, and I want to make the best out of it. I'm just... like I said, overwhelmed by the realization by it. I've also realized that I myself, will be graduating in two years. It's crazy. I was driving yesterday, and thought to myself, "I'm too young to drive!" In reality, I'm not... but I remember being 9 years old as if it were yesterday. It's insanity I tell you, insanity!!

Mhm.

Yeah I need to write... here's something for now.

A Little Bit of Thinking.

It is tough, I've realized for me to be consistent with this blog. I feel like I should only write when I am in the mood to do so...which happens to be less often than I figured it would be. I always seem to have something else to do. The thing is, I really do think it's important to write down what you feel and whatnot. Years down the road, I'm sure I'll want to read back on how I thought about things, and where I was at this point in my life. How will I know if I've progressed any if I haven't kept track? Will I just...know? Ha, it does sound strange yes, but still the question is there. This past month or so...really this whole last school year has been a big struggle. A lot has happened to me, my family, my friends. Many things have changed, things have begun, friendships have ended and started or even put on hold. I was thinking, as one might think in the late December of a year, 'What have I accomplished since August? What have I done that has helped me move forward?" At first, it feels like I've done nothing. Nothing worth recalling. But then I think harder...over all the experiences I've had. Many of them, definitely. My feelings for certain people have changed, in different ways than you would think, and my first judgements of people have been changed as well. I have grown. Not in just a literal sense, but it my spirit and mind especially. Every step I've taken has brought me closer to the woman I am becoming, the one that will continue in this crazy world we live in. Sure, I've had the occasional setback. But it has made me become stronger. I have gained respect for several people, as well I myself. It's hard to imagine, but I believe I have gained more confidence in myself than I ever thought possible. Sure, it's not much confidence at all at the moment, but the fact that it's there...and able to grow. That is great.

I? I am not an angry person. I don't hold grudges. I do believe that time is one of the best things to remedy a situation. Not make it perfect, but... When you're in a fight in first grade, lets say. Weren't you told to take deep breaths, wait 10 seconds, and think before you begun again? Wasn't it, by the end of those 10 seconds, your desire to bicker and yell was not as strong anymore? Now of course, being a 16 year old, my problems and arguments are bigger than cutting in line to go down the curly slide. But... time does heal. It really does, I promise. It gives you time to look back at what's happened, and what you can do to not necessarily fix the problem, or situation, but to make the best desicions, and make the best out of it. I wont deny that I have made mistakes, been wrong about things at times, everybody makes mistakes. Everyone needs to be forgiven too. 70 x 7, you know that! Just remember. Everything that happens in life is a lesson to be learned, with a consequence to follow. We were sent here to be taught, and to learn. What good is this life, if we don't learn anything?

So... "And every tear that had to fall from my eyes, Everyday I wondered how I'd get through the night, Every change, life has thrown me, I'm thankful, for every break in my heart, I'm grateful, for every scar, Some pages turned ,Some bridges burned, But there were lessons learned." (Lessons Learned ~Carrie Underwood.)

New Post Coming Soon!

Hey... It's been busy. I will post very soon. Ciao!

Jess

Everything's Just Fine

I realize that I need to be more consistent and diligent with this blog. I've had in since October, and have put what, 5 entries? Maybe more. I'm not quite sure. I always feel inspired to write listening to certain types of music. Right now, I'm listening to Elijah Bossenbroek, the brilliant pianst, go figure! His music is always so... almost other-wordly to me. It's just...very calming, and almost gives you this feeling that you can do anything, be anybody. I absolutely love it. I hope to achieve the ability to compose music at some point in my life. I know it's going to have to take a lot of studying. I was watching some old YouTube videos of The 5 Browns yesterday, and was just amazed by the work they must have all put in into their study of music. All of them in Juliard, it's crazy.

Okay, so yesterday we were having a lesson in Young Women about "Homemaking". Preparing to be a wife and mother. I really thought about it for the first time in awhile, of the huge...responsibility that is. How sad it is that society takes it so lightly. Then we were discussing how we need to be family oriented, not career oriented. I'm just a little worried about my mindset. I want so much to go out there, and perform, and record music, and etc. How am I supposed to do that and be married with children at some point in my life? It just seems...so overwhelming. Which I suppose it should be for a 16 year old. To think, that girls my age and younger have kids. Not necessarily on purpose, but indeed they do. How can you trust yourself with such a responsibility? I realize how incredible my mother is, along with any woman who has children. That they are willing to give their wholeselves and life to raising a spirit child of Heavenly Father. It's extremely hard for me to fathom. I'm guessing there is a point in time to where it just "clicks". That you know you are ready. I just... am trying to understand where I'm supposed to draw the line. I want to be on stage, and I'm hoping I can do that for awhile. Unless I am meant to raise a family earlier on. I don't know...I just think alot about the future, which is definitely better than never thinking past Friday night! *sigh* I just need to continue pressing forward, and focus on education. Focus on being the best me that I can be, and live the standards, so one day I will be worthy to meet a man who I am to marry. That will happen... just not yet, haha.

For now, I know I need to breathe, and continue on.

"Live live to the fullest and always believe in yourself, no matter what the world may throw full-force at you. You are strong enough to conquer all."

"I feel so much better than before"

I seem to have this problem since yesterday, that I contantly have songs from Musicals stuck in my head. Currently, I have "So Much Better" from Legally Blonde the Musical in my head. Yesterday it was "Some Things Are Meant To Be" from Little Women. It's crazy... I don't know what to do. Haha.... I'm not quite sure what my point is by writing this blog. At the moment I am sitting in the living room with my family, watching X-Men 2. Hugh Jackman... :)

He just makes me happy :) Ahh! I found the most amazing clip from A Light In the Piazza on YouTube. It's during the song Passeggiata. Wow. I don't know much about the musical yet, but I'm thinking I'm going to listen to more of it, I like it. I've heard about it before, but my interest was sparked yesterday, at PTC. We had Movement Exercizes yesterday during class. We were asked to come up with 90 seconds of instrumental music, and "move" to it. I don't think I did horribly. I chose "Harmony In Dissaray" by Elijah Bossenbroek. Anyway, Hannah used a piece from that show, and I looked at the pictures, and then went home and looked it up. I like it so far. I'm always trying to become more "cultured" in the Musical Theatre section of my life. So, I look up stuff all the time. YouTube is my best friend at times.

Yes I am being random, but those are just my thoughts at the moment. Sometimes I just have the urge to type, without really having much to say. Oh! I picked out my Stake Prom dress today, I love it. It'll be here in a couple weeks. I hope everything fits alright.

Well! See ya later!

Tricycles and Apple Pie.

I decided to write on here. I haven't been on here in awhile, I've realized. I've been beyond busy, and haven't been able to get my words out on paper, screen, whatever.

I want to say this last week and a half has been GREAT. I love that a really good friend of mine is able to be out here. I've realized we both need it. She and I have not known each other for long, I met her at efy this past summer. I remember going to efy this past summer, and being excited for going. I had loved the previous year, and was ready for another spiritual week. :) My friend helped me haul my stuff up into the apartment wayy off campus. It was lovely of him, but I kicked him out of the apartment really quickly bc of that little "no boys allowed" rule of efy!


Anyway....lets back up aways. A few weeks beforehand, we had a friend that we were worried about. She had to be in the hospital and we were worried about her being able to make it to efy. So, I went, not knowing if she would be there. It so happened as I went to the apartment a little later, she and her friend were looking for me. I was so excited to see her, that she was able to make it, I really was! I gave her a hug, and then I look at this new girl. I had heard about her before, and knew beforehand that I thought we could be really good friends. When I really looked at her, I had a strange feeling. It felt as if I had been missing a piece of myself, and I didn't realize it was missing, and she had it. And the moment I saw her, I knew...I was supposed to know her. It was exciting! I said "So this is *!" (not using names) I was so happy in that moment. I remember a night at efy, we were in her room, listening to her i-pod and talking about random things, I was just...amazed that we had only known each other for around 3 days. That was it! Even now, I haven't even known her a year, and I feel like its been a lifetime. I am completely blessed to have her in my life, whether or not she realizes it, which I doubt she does.


I am glad she's been able to come out the past week or so, to just be here. We haven't done anything "amazing" we really haven't left Clarksville really... We did go to my Grandpa Pentzer's actually, and had a ton of fun watching filming for a music video! ...we're just together, and having a great 'drama free' time together. We had a scary movie-marathon last week, which has made the two of us petrified of tricycles. (It's hard to explain...it basically comes down to, we are d-o-r-k-s. :D) Its been great. I've learned a little more independance, I've realized that I'm growing up. I'm moving on. I will graduate high school in a couple years, I need to learn who I am. She's helped me realize that, and I love her for that. I know that we'll be friends forever. I TRULY 100% believe that. I hope this visit has helped you too.


"Mortality's supreme test is to face the "why" and then let it go, trusting humbly in the Lord's promise that "all things must come to pass in their time.""
Lance B. Wickman - Oct. Gen. Conf. 2002


"Love is never wasted, for its value does not rest upon reciprocity."
Neal A. Maxwell -

"Stand firm to what you know to be true and regardless of the immediate consequences, in time you will, without question, have no doubt God is on your side."

"Great moments often catch us unaware -- beautifully wrapped in what others may consider a small one."